Top 5 Places Nothing Good Ever Happens At

Remember as a kid being dragged around on errands on a beautiful Sunday? Remember hearing certain stores on the seemingly never-ending list and being happy to hear some and devastated to hear others? For me, Target was on the good list. It's a colorful store with a video game demo section and a significant toys department. There's things to do. What was (and still is) on the bad list? Well that's the point of this entry, so read on. Here are some ground rules.

1) If you thought these other lists were subjective.... this one takes the cake. It's based solely on my own experience, not any other criteria.

2) This list might make more sense if... you're a guy as you might see from a few entries.

3) Don't take things too literally. Obviously jail, and morgues are sad places, war-torn countries, etc. This is fine, but this list has more to do with outright annoying or deviously neutral locales.

Onward!

5) Hobby Lobby

This is sort of a throwaway item, as I don't really have 5 unique places that I could put on this list. Hobby Lobby is mainly here because I couldn't think of anything I'd actually buy here. I guess they do sell particularly strong varieties of model glue, but when your main featured sale is a big discount on "scrapbooking supplies", I don't feel particularly motivated to go inside and spend an afternoon. Speaking of which, there are few activities less interesting to me (and less manly) than cutting and re-gluing photos and words in cheesy, "heartwarming" arrangements. Maybe I'm just not an arts and crafts kind of guy.

4) NASCAR Races

Alright, someone help me with this logic. I'm going to pay to go to a mercilessly loud place, sit in the hot sun in some cases, and get crap spilled on me by wasted fans... all so I can watch cars drive really fast but in a constant left turn. At least as far as variety goes, most people's daily commute to work is far more interesting. Maybe I'm missing something, but I don't get the appeal in seeing a bunch of good ol' boys spin around in circles. You know it's a redneck sport when the main entertainment draw is the possibility that someone screws up, crashes their car, and possibly dies in the process. The common defense NASCAR fans give is that if you know the sport, there's a lot of strategy to it. Maybe so, but I'm not sure I really care to know the sport any more than knowing it's not my cup of tea. Throw in the drunken redneck, jock-sniffing and loyal-to-the-grave fans, a dash of excessive patriotism, and the significant possibility that you may go deaf or get skin cancer sitting out in the sun and you've got one fantastic time don't you? Is there anywhere else I'd hate to be more? Three places perhaps...

3) Orthodontist

I don't know about you, but I sure as hell am not a morning person. Any class before ten and it's a crap shoot if I'm not still fast asleep in bed. Hey, early birds may get all of the worms, but late birds get plenty of food that tastes a whole lot better (especially late birds who live near busy outdoor cafe's. Thus, any place that forces you to get up early is likely to make my shit list. At least for my specific orthodontist, there was no flexibility with dates and times. They weren't there Fridays... or most Mondays... or any time after school got out at 3:15. Nope, here are the options the orthodontist often gave me: a) Tuesday at 7 am b) Wednesday during class or c) we won't fix that intricate meta contraption glued to your teeth that's been poking you in the cheek for the last 5 days.
Now if this were life-saving stuff, I might be more inspired, but it's not. All an orthodontist can really fix is a bit of an appearance issue regarding your teeth. Of course this is only after going through you a multi-year period of borderline evil dietary restrictions, social awkwardness, impaired speech, and occasional intense pain. Ahhh, the things we go through for straight teeth. As humans, there is just about nothing that minor that we go through that much trouble to solve. There has to be a better way. Until then, it's just a painful series of trips for the teenage crowd.

2) Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV)

If you didn't see this one coming, then you either aren't from the United States, have never been here or have terrible instincts. DMV's are a lot of fun if you like waiting in queues. In Los Angeles to switch my driver's license from a New Mexico license to a California one, I literally waited in a long line just to get a number to... wait for it... wait in another line. Following that I was sent upstairs to... you guessed it... wait in another line. I then filled out some paperwork which, to turn in, I had to wait... everybody now... in another line. Nope, it doesn't end there. I waited in another pair of lines before my 4-hour odyssey to the DMV was finished.
There are other DMV's in other states where you may wait in fewer lines, but that's made up by time spent just flat out sitting around wishing you'd brought something entertaining to do and generally hating life. Not to mention that the employees working at these fine locations aren't usually the happiest people. This just adds to the collective depression and frustration that DMV's seem to inspire. I strongly considered this for #1, but...

1) J.C. Penney

... there's no beating this hellhole. This place is the inspiration for this list. I'd have to go clothes shopping as a kid and this would often be the destination. It got to the point where, when my mom would tell me that we were going here, I would tell my mom, "Nothing good ever happened at a J.C. Penney." I stand by that statement to that day. J.C. Penney is a gathering place for all of the minor annoyances in the world to congregate and mockingly laugh at the poor mortals that come through looking to scratch a nagging consumer itch. Here is my list of grievances against this secretly terrible force.
A) It's never a short trip. A trip to J.C. Penney is usually between half an hour and a full hour long. Oh and what a time it is. Trying on endless dorky clothes, most of which don't fit, looking for that misfit piece of clothing that looks half decent in those lying mirrors. Speaking of that...
B) They don't have my size. J.C Penney carries clothing for fat people, or at least people larger than myself (most of whom, in all fairness, aren't really fat). Maybe I'm just difficult (27-28X34 pant size, Adult S-M shirt size), but when a store doesn't have a single stylish small shirt, but plenty in XXXXXXL, it's frustrating. For pants, don't even ask. They don't make clothes for people who are skinny, period. I don't care if you make all of your money selling jeans to fat people trying to get a better self-image, throw me a bone here.
C) Gratingly annoying advertising. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CWFsOkvGAug&feature=related . Check out :40, :49, :51. Does that appeal to anyone but parents who think their kids go to the same school from Grease? Way to aim for the stupid, cutesy demographic J.C. Penney.
D) Slogans. Here are some J.C. Penney advertising slogans during the history of the company. "It's All Inside" (...just not at this store...), "Every Day Matters" (...so don't waste yours here...), "We Know What You're Looking For" (...but we don't have it here...), and the painfully obvious "This is J.C. Penney" (...run while you still can...). Hope you didn't pay too much for those J.C. Penney. I've got a good one for your next ad campaign. "J.C. Penney... Where Fun Goes to Die".
E) Active boredom. At the DMV, you can read a book or play a video game. At J.C. Penney, your full attention is required. No idle time, just merciless shopping.
F) 'Helpful' Employees. If any of these poor souls wanted to really help, they'd just point to the exit.
G) They're based in my least favorite state in the United States. Texas.
J.C. Penney.... you can go screw yourself. I hope I'm smart enough to marry someone who wouldn't force the kids to go to this place.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Arby's, Linens 'N Things, WWE/UFC matches, Hookah Bars, Yoshinoya, Sunglasses Hut, gun shows, Detroit, Tobacco shops, Hummer dealerships.